45 Tweets That Break Down The Math Of Parenting

If parenting were a pie chart, what would it look like?

This is a question moms and dads on Twitter have been attempting to answer for years. For some, parenting might be 60 percent “looking for shoes,” 20 percent “cleaning things off the floor” and 20 percent “stepping on Legos.” For others, it’s more like 50 percent “driving kids around,” 40 percent “trying to put clothes on them” and 10 percent “issuing empty threats.”

We’ve rounded up 45 mathematical tweets about the reality of parenting. The following math might not always quite add up, but it’s certainly relatable.

98% of parenting is picking up stuff off the floor and the other 2% is yelling about all the stuff on the floor.

— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) March 20, 2017

75% of parenting is getting used to saying the words pee pee, potty and poopy. And 25% is getting used to never doing those things alone.

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 10, 2017

90% of parenting is hiding iPads from your children.

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 30, 2015

Parenting is:
85% pretending you know what you’re doing
10% stepping on legos or marbles
5% celebrating someone not crapping their pants.

— Lea Grover (@bcmgsupermommy) September 27, 2015

Parenting is 30% wondering why the kids are quiet and 70% rejoicing in the silence.

— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) September 24, 2017

80% of parenting is reminding kids that they actually like the food on their plate, since they ate the same exact thing two days ago.

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) March 22, 2017

Parenting is 50% coming to terms with your kids being exactly like you and 50% coming to terms with you being exactly like your parents.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 29, 2017

Seventy-five percent of parenting is just trying not to yell “FUCK!” too loudly when you step on your kids’ toys.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 15, 2018

90% of parenting is responding to:

Can I have a snack?

— Dad’s Take (@DadsTake) April 20, 2017

80% of parenting is remembering to look in the mirror to make sure you don’t have a stickers on your face.

— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) May 22, 2017

84% of parenting is just calculating the length of time from now until that thing your kid is looking forward to.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 20, 2017

Parenting is 20% loving guidance and 80% driving them around.

— Lori (@loribuckmajor) August 27, 2014

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

— Fluffy Suse (@fluffysuse) July 29, 2013

80% of parenting is spent forcing a smile over one million mediocre feats.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 17, 2017

Parenting is 50% trying to figure out why people are crying and 50% trying to not cry along.

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) September 7, 2016

Parenting is 50% yelling PUT YOUR CLOTHES IN THE HAMPER and 50% yelling UM EXCUSE ME IS THAT A HAMPER? BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A FLOOR TO ME.

— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 24, 2017

Parenting is 25% aggravation, and 90% being confused by their math classes.

— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) August 25, 2016

67% of parenting is just throwing things out surreptitiously.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 16, 2017

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 24, 2018

Parenting is 80% trying to convince your kids to put their shoes on and 20% trying to find those same shoes they just had on.

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) July 26, 2016

90% of parenting is doing just enough to keep other parents from judging you.

— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) March 13, 2017

Parenting is 90% yelling because you’re late 8% yelling because you have a headache and 2% yelling because it’s the only volume you have now

— Nuclear Mama (@NuclearMum) May 4, 2015

90% of parenting is using your finger to wipe your kids face.

— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) May 2, 2016

300% of parenting is scolding your kids over and over again for doing the same stupid thing over and over again.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 7, 2018

76% of parenting is just asking your kid, “Where did you hear that from?”

— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 5, 2017

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 23, 2018

Parenting is 80% making food you know your kids love just so they’ll eat it, and 20% cleaning that food off the floor when they won’t.

— NinjaMommers (@NinjaMommers) May 25, 2015

Parenting is 70% saying the same thing over & over, 20% wondering what that sticky stuff is, &10% trying to identify that God-awful smell.

— Debbi Smith-Moore (@lactation_debbi) August 27, 2015

75% of parenting is trying to anticipate what your kids are going to spill

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 12, 2017

#parenting is 30% chaos management & 70% saying with conviction things like “OMG Hurry! We’re being chased by a daddy butt tiger cloud!”

— Nikki (@BravaBritt) July 17, 2015

98% of parenting is gritting your teeth and smiling just to keep from ripping your hair out and screaming.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 26, 2018

Parenting is 90% offering an M&M as a reward for doing a good job. (The remaining 10% is cleaning up something gross.)

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) June 26, 2014

Parenting is 50% stepping on Legos, 30% lying, and 10% bandaging phantom boo-boos. Parenting also makes you stupid and bad at math.

— Lucy Horton (@alittlelucidity) May 6, 2015

Parenting is 50% gross stuff, 40% feigning enthusiasm and 30% being too sleep deprived to do math. #parenting

— Nerdy Momma (@queennerd4life) July 17, 2015

Parenting is 50% cleaning cheese out of crevices, 40% bribery & 10% hiding candy in my pants so I don’t have to share

— Amber Marie (@RVAmberMarie) October 6, 2015

Parenting is 50% telling your kids to hurry up and 50% telling them to slow down.

— Lazy Mummy (@littlelazymummy) July 27, 2015

Parenting is 50% love, 10% yelling, 10% flipping your kid off behind their back, 10% finding matching socks and 20% hiding in the bathroom.

— JoJo (@crotchfruits) February 19, 2016

Parenting is 90% hell and 10% cute fun stuff you would post on Facebook.

— Goodnight Sanity (@GoodnightSanity) March 25, 2016

Parenthood is:

10% Empty threats

10% “Get down from there”

10% “Are you sure you don’t have to poop?”

70% Soul-splitting gratitude

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) October 29, 2015