Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Ah, morning: the sun is shining, the coffee’s brewing, and your kids’ screen time for the day is still fresh enough that you haven’t started to feel guilty about it yet.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 12, 2018
You know you’ve gone full dad when you realize you are explaining how water towers work to an entire car full of kids who don’t care.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 14, 2018
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 16, 2018
Having a pool in your backyard is great if you want your kids to spend the entire summer arguing over the same pair of goggles.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 13, 2018
Having kids is a fun experiment in seeing how quickly all of your favorite things can be destroyed.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 12, 2018
Childbirth classes should include useful parenting advice, like how to dispose of a kid’s artwork in the outside trash bin only.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) August 16, 2018
Wife: *putting on makeup*
4-year-old: Is that your Halloween costume?
4: You look like an angel.
I need to take notes.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2018
*son getting out his math book*
Him: Mom, can you help m-
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 17, 2018
I’m not gonna lie, I got extremely emotional while dropping off my little girl to preschool this week. I could barely get her to class. It’s so hard to focus when I’m blinded by tears of joy.
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) August 16, 2018
6: I WORKED SO HARD ON THAT AND SHE RUINED IT!!
Me: Sorry sweetie, but you know you couldn’t have kept it forever
6 [sobbing] WHY
Me: Well [checking email to see when school starts again] first of all, you made it out of bubbles…
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 16, 2018
Whenever I think I want another baby, I just picture a 3 year old shrieking like a barn owl because their sandwich is too “sandwichy” and I’m like nah, I’m good.
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) August 14, 2018
The first thing I think every time my kid hits a new age is, “Oh, look at that, it didn’t get easier.”
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 12, 2018
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
— The Baron (@baronvonbike) August 17, 2018
I’ve created a monster.
-me, realizing my kid’s just like me
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 16, 2018
7y.o: *puts toy in my pool bag*
Me: “I’m not carrying your things.”
7: “No, you’re not; your BAG is.”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 17, 2018
me, after cleaning and vacuuming my car out
“I’m going to keep this clean and never eat in here again”
2 days later
“I’m driving a literal dumpster”
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) August 16, 2018
My kids saw a baby lizard. I jokingly said, “If you catch it, you can keep it as a pet.”
They caught it.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 13, 2018
Well, I finally figured out what was making the toy box smell like a rotting banana.
Spoiler alert: It was a rotting banana.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) August 14, 2018
My 2yo always says “you’re the Mommy” to me with a slight sense of disbelief and I kind of don’t blame him.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) August 16, 2018
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: You take over my duties today and I’ll count that as all three.
Genie 5 minutes later with eye bags, cellulite, a kid attached to the lamp and matted hair: This is bullshit.
— Classy and Cussing (@DrunkAtThePTA) August 16, 2018
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
— Danielle and Farrah (@effinghandbook) August 12, 2018