Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Me: “When I was a kid, they made markers that smelled like fruit flavors. You could smell them as you drew.”
12: “God, life was really sad before iPhones, wasn’t it?”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 16, 2018
Me: *puts on headphones without turning on music*
Wife: What are you listening to?
Me: Not our kids.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 19, 2018
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 18, 2018
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 15, 2018
Welcome to fatherhood. If you don’t have an ill-fitting superhero t-shirt one will be assigned to you.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 15, 2018
Is there such thing as a “Family Moon”? You know, a vacation away from my family and all of their “I can’t find my stuff” and “I want a snack” problems.
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) July 18, 2018
Our policy of letting our four year old eat tomato soup with syringe is under review after tonight’s tragic wall-painting accident.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) July 18, 2018
[4 gives me a particularly long and tight hug]
Me: That was the best hug I’ve ever received. I love you so much sweetheart.
4: I was trying to see if your eyes would pop out of your face or if your head would pop. Hopefully next time.
— InsoMOMniac (@mom_toddler) July 18, 2018
Just saw my first Back to School TV ad. I recorded it to show the kids when they misbehave.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 18, 2018
4-year-old: I’ve decided I don’t want a dog. I want a baby dinosaur instead.
Me: Really. Why?
4: Dinosaurs don’t bark.
Me: No, but they roar which is like a really, really loud bark.
4: *disgusted* Oh, just forget it then. Just forget it.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 18, 2018
You know you have a five-year-old when you pour yourself a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms with no marshmallows in it.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 20, 2018
Prepare your kid’s favorite food.
No, I’m sorry. That is no longer your kid’s favorite food.
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) July 18, 2018
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) July 16, 2018
Me texting “I’m running early! Be there soon.”
Friend “What?! I didn’t know you could be early!”
Me “Oh wait…I forgot to pick up one of my kids. I’ll be late.”
Friend “There she is.”
— Cydni Beer (@themessednest) July 18, 2018
If there is something on the floor that can crumble into a million pieces, a toddler will step on it one second before you can get to it.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) July 20, 2018
Of course you judge parents in restaurants before you have kids. That’s how the human race survives, each person thinking they can do it better before finding out no you fucking can’t.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) July 19, 2018
If you want to start a prayer chain or something, my daughter has her first orthodontics consultation today.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 16, 2018
Cooking for my kids sounds a lot like throwing things down the garbage disposal.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) July 15, 2018
My son said that if a hoverboard was also a vacuum, he’d vacuum every day. Then my daughter started arguing with him over who would get to vacuum.
Why has no one created this mythical vacuum over which children argue over who gets the do chores?
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 17, 2018