Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 5, 2018
A dad’s favorite part of vacation is acting like he’s better than everyone else because he woke up the earliest.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 30, 2018
Me: I can’t wait for summer.
Me: I can’t wait for school start!
Me: I can’t wait for summer.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 1, 2018
Just told my kids we aren’t leaving the house until they clean up their messes, so I guess we’re hermits now.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) July 1, 2018
Think you’re a “no regrets” person? Go buy your kid a 100 pack of Glo-Sticks.
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) July 1, 2018
There’s nothing like waking up before sunrise. It makes me feel a step ahead, much more productive, and whatever other lies I can come up with when my baby wakes up so **** early.
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) July 5, 2018
Me: It’s an old phone
5yo: Like an old IPhone?
Me: No, like the kind that has push buttons & is attached to the wall with a cord
5: *long pause* Why would you stand and talk at the wall when you can just go yell out the window
Me: Good talk, son
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) July 1, 2018
If you’ve never effectively broken up a fight between your kids by shouting while you’re in the bathroom or taking a shower, are you even a parent.
— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) July 5, 2018
I like when my four year old pretends to be a ninja, because it basically looks like he’s being attacked by bees.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) July 2, 2018
I just threatened to ground my 5yo from “all the popsicles in the freezer” so yep, our summer plans are right on track.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) June 29, 2018
I won’t let my kids turn on the stove, but swinging a flaming hot fire-stick sparkler over their head on the Fourth of July, that’s fine.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 1, 2018
Just found a cheese stick behind the couch. It’s been at least 2 months since I bought string cheese.
On that note, we’re selling “hand-tossed artisan cheese, aged on premises” for those that like the finer things in life.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 3, 2018
[Racing my son]
Wife: That was really sweet how you let him win.
Me: [Did not let him win] Thanks
— The Dad (@thedad) July 1, 2018
Playing everyone’s favorite game- How Much Poop Can You Touch Before Noon?
I’m either winning or losing, depending on how you look at it.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) July 2, 2018
Letting my kid watch Jurassic Park for the first time.
Me: This came out in 1993. This came out when *I* was *your* age.
Kid: Oh, like when the dinosaurs were really still around?
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) July 4, 2018
As a parent, you don’t typically know you’ve made the right decisions until much later. However, I recently found out that not putting a TV in my kids’ bedrooms is the main reason I don’t end up hosting more sleepovers.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 2, 2018
Overhead my 6yo whisper to his cousin, “We defeat our enemies by making them fall in love with us…. and then we stab them!!!”
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 2, 2018