Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
— The Dad (@thedad) August 5, 2018
Husband: Why’s this guy in the minivan driving like a maniac?
9yo: Why’s Dad talking about himself in the 3rd person?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 6, 2018
*observing my daughter in preschool*
Me: Ok, but how do you get her to just sit there and listen?
Teacher: We practice patience and teach them to do the same.
Me: Right, right. But, like, what bribes are you using?
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) August 6, 2018
Toddler: I help you.
Me: Sure! What do you want to help wi-
Toddler: *Dumps entire silverware drawer out*
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 7, 2018
At the public pool with the kids; we’ve been here for 17 minutes and 247 shouts of “Mom, watch this!” long.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 8, 2018
me [trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing] *takes a sip from my #1 Dad mug*
son *still waiting for me to pick him up after practice*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 5, 2018
“If you love someone, set them free.”
*releases my children into the wild (or backyard, whatever)*
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 7, 2018
6-year-old: Mashed potatoes make me sad.
6: They should have been French fries.
Now I’m sad, too.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2018
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who wants to hear the original Macarena but you accidentally play the remix.
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) August 7, 2018
*car’s packed, kids are excited, everyone’s ready to leave for a week at the beach*
*I plop onto couch*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Gonna stay home. I’m not really a joiner.
Me: Have fun!
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 7, 2018
NEW MOM: *Knows exactly
how she is going to raise her
kids and what type of mom she
is going to be*
VETERAN MOM: *knows exactly
when she should re-hit the wine
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) August 5, 2018
The best part of kids going back to school is I can play Fortnite again without getting killed so fast.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 8, 2018
Amtrak conductor: “Ladies & Gentlemen, keep on your shoes. Parents, dress your children.”
This woman knows the horrors of travel 😂
— Ijeoma Oluo (@IjeomaOluo) August 4, 2018
Welcome to parenting. You can catch up on sleep on the weekends.
Just kidding, you’ll never feel well-rested for the rest of your life
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 6, 2018
Have kids so instead of love notes, your spouse can pass you a mouthful of chewed Cheetos and orange from your toddler to throw out the car window.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) August 9, 2018
“OK MOMMY IS GETTING IN THE SHOWER NOW PLEASE DON’T KILL EACH OTHER”
-My daily leap of faith
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) August 6, 2018
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
— TheAlexNevil: Likes Dogs, Cake, Reuniting Families (@TheAlexNevil) August 9, 2018
Starting to miss the kids after 3 days at grandma’s, so I put some syrup on my fingers and pressed them to the windows to make comfort handprints.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 9, 2018